I’ve Cracked the Lazy Husband Code

Lately, I’ve been seeing more couples claiming to “share the load.” Women promoting courses on how to train your man. My advice? Don’t pay for a course—just implement a blow job reward system. None of us love doing it, but when my husband’s actually stepping up, sharing the mental load and responsibilities, suddenly… I’m turned on.

Spoiler alert: my husband hasn’t had a blow job in two years. Why? Because he does fuck all, and I’m drier than the Sahara.

Jokes aside, I think I’ve cracked the code. Here's the truth: we need to clearly express our needs. And if our partners can’t meet them—or if they "try" for a week and then slide back into man-child mode—we need boundaries. Period.

My man-child husband works full-time. He’s great at his job and brings in most of the income. Cool. But while he’s at work, here’s my day:

• Get myself and the kids fed and ready, make lunches.

• Dress them in the “Yellow Day” outfit (which I had to race to the shops for, after work yesterday, because some genius teacher thought that was a great idea).

• Daycare drop-off.

• Work a 6-hour shift (Yes, I work Too).

• Stop at the shops again for toilet paper.

• Pick up the kids.

• Survive the chaos of post-daycare meltdowns.

• Bribe the kids to take a bath.

• Prep dinner.

• Bribe the kids to get OUT of the bath.

• Clean up the wet footprints from the post bath nudie run.

• Wrestle, bribe, chase, tackle the kids to get them dry and dressed.

  
  

Then… Dad walks in. The kids get excited their hero is home. He strolls in, heads to the toilet for a good half hour, then gets to be the “fun parent” while I’m in the kitchen cooking dinner.

I then spend dinner convincing the kids to eat at least two peas, give up, and clean up while he hypes them up again. After all the excitement, it’s time for me to wind them down and get ready for bed.

He’s now relaxing on the couch, and I’m arguing through the classic bedtime resistance:

“I’m not tired.”

“I’m still hungry”

“Why does Dad get to stay up?”

Once they’re finally asleep, I tidy up the aftermath of “fun time” with Dad: two forts, toys everywhere, cushions on the ceiling fan—I don’t even know.

I’ve tried introducing the “clean up one game before starting another” rule, but guess what? Fun Dad doesn’t do rules. He’s too busy entertaining the kids or as he likes to say it “giving me a break”.

Eventually, I sit down for the first time all day. I’m exhausted and overstimulated, trying to ignore my mental to-do list. Hubby and I then connect, laugh, and chat about our day. JUST KIDDING.. We sit on the couch in silence, watching tv while simultaneously scrolling our phones, like a drug to escape reality.

Now, if you’re reading this thinking, “My husband would never. Just leave him,”—congrats, Susan! You’ve won the husband lottery. Please continue following my content to remind yourself how good you’ve got it.

But if this feels familiar—welcome, sister. I see you.

We’re not leaving them. Not because we can’t, but because—let’s be real—many of them do have redeeming qualities. Plus, in this economy, doing it all alone sounds like a nightmare. At least a mediocre manchild pays most of the bills and entertains the kids for an hour. That is better than being on my own, having to start an onlyfans page for men, with a fetish for fat mums.

Here’s what changed everything for me: I got real.

I accepted that my husband is not going to suddenly start doing 50%. His mum wiped his arse until he was 18. The man is set in his ways. Not all men can be trained. So I stopped expecting it and set boundaries to protect my own mental health.

I realised:

I can carry more of the mental load. I can manage the kids and the house. But only if I work part-time. I need at least one day off a week. I’m not working full time and doing 95% of all the shit, I will get burnt out, I will get depressed, I will hate his face and the only place his ejaculation would be going, would be down the shower drain.

If we can’t afford me working part-time? That’s his problem. I love that quote: “He asked why the house wasn’t clean when I was home all day. I asked why we’re not millionaires if he was at work all day.”

If we can’t afford it, he either picks up 50% of the housework and mental load… or I reduce my hours, period. Guess what? He chose my reduced hours. It’s not a perfect system, but it works for us. Every relationship looks different—but if you’re living with a man-child: negotiate better terms.

If not for yourself, do it for our children who will have a happy relationship modelled for them. Is it better for children to have a father modelling and normalising helping out more? probably, but we are working with what we have got.

We’re not aiming for perfection. We’re just trying to stay sane.

-Ashley ELLIS

Pic by Freepik