Never Lose yourself in a relationship!

In my late twenties, I got into a relationship with a narcissist. I ignored all the bright, SCREAMING red flags and went all in. I was getting older and felt a HUGE amount of pressure to settle down. He bought an old house, that needed a lot of work. We renovated the house together. I spent my weekends labouring - laying turf, painting walls, ripping up carpet. I truly believed I was working on a house that we would start a life in together. (Stupid!) During this time I lost my identity, I distanced myself from friends, I was made to feel like I needed him and I was nothing without him.

Over time things to unravel, I supported him through mental health issues, all while being totally blinded to the fact that he had been emotionally abusing and manipulating me for years. I had become a shell of the person I once was. He beat me down with his words, and I had no self-worth. What the fuck was I thinking?!?! I never thought something like that would happen to me, I thought I was smarter and couldn’t be manipulated... I eventually left him, which led to a year of being terrified and stalked by him.

As time passed, the stalking and threats eventually stopped and the fog started to lift, I realised that I had put years into HIS dreams, HIS future and HIS financial gain. I didn’t try to get any money from him, I didn’t want anything from him, I just wanted to be free of him. I wasted years of my life working on his life all while losing myself.

It’s easy to get swept away in the excitement of a new relationship, especially when you believe you’ve found the person you’re going to marry. The chemistry, the connection, the shared dreams—it all feels like the perfect love story unfolding. But in the midst of all that love and devotion, there’s one thing you should never do: lose yourself!

Too often, people become so invested in their partner’s world that they forget about their own. They start prioritizing their partner’s dreams, their partner’s goals, and their partner’s needs—sometimes at the expense of their own. It happens slowly, almost unnoticeably. You adjust your life for them, support their career aspirations, and compromise on things you once valued. Before you know it, the life you envisioned for yourself takes a backseat, and your own dreams start collecting dust.

It’s natural to want to support your significant other, but love should never require sacrificing who you are. A healthy relationship is about growing together while still maintaining individuality. If you abandon your goals for the sake of someone else, you may one day wake up feeling lost, wondering where you went wrong.

The reality is, life is unpredictable. Relationships can change, and even the strongest love stories don’t always end the way we expect. If you’ve built your entire identity around another person, what happens if they leave? What happens if the future you imagined with them no longer exists? It’s a devastating thought, but it’s one that proves just how important it is to always put yourself first.

Your ambitions, passions, and personal growth should never be neglected for the sake of romance. Keep working on your goals, not just his. Chase your dreams unapologetically. Build a life that fulfills you, independent of anyone else. If your relationship is meant to last, your partner will respect and support your journey. And if it doesn’t? You’ll still have yourself, your dreams, and a future that belongs to you.

Love deeply, but never at the cost of your own identity. Because at the end of the day, the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself.

-         Ashley ELLIS.

Pic by Freepik